Stillness.

It got really cold today. Yesterday temperatures were still all right, but today was absolutely freezing. I refuse to step out of the house tomorrow.

There is a kind of deathly silence that happens after a huge explosion. Like all energy has been expended, all force dispersed.

Nothing remains.

Clear

I know why I'm always so tired...

I think too much.

Equilibrium

It is always about balance.

The sense of accomplishment is wonderful. But you can't allow that to buoy you up into the clouds of jubilance, blissfully unaware of upcoming storms.

Accomplishments are rarely entirely enough.

How do you derive happiness from it without sinking dangerously into complacency?

I will not content myself with mediocrity.

Breathe...

I don't understand. Why is there this inevitable law that everything must happen at once?

Friday, Saturday. 27th, 28th February.

Not one, not two, but three things that I really want to attend/participate in, all for various strong reasons. And all three things run on two nights.

Why. La.

Comfort.

So I spoke to someone with some authority today and I heard some things I wanted to hear.

This, I feel, somewhat validates the path I am heading down. It is a good sign.

On another note, I think it's cool how almost all the bars and pubs in London are selling American beer for really cheap today! And broadcasting the inauguration on their TVs. Including LSE's bars. And I squashed in with the crowd in the Quad to watch Obama's speech today too. :)

Drove my chevy to the levee but the levee was dry

What Don McLean said about the meaning of the lyrics to "American Pie":

As you can imagine, over the years I have been asked many times to discuss and explain my song "American Pie." I have never discussed the lyrics, but have admitted to the Holly reference in the opening stanzas. I dedicated the album American Pie to Buddy Holly as well in order to connect the entire statement to Holly in hopes of bringing about an interest in him, which subsequently did occur.

This brings me to my point. Casey Kasem never spoke to me and none of the references he confirms my making were made by me. You will find many "interpretations" of my lyrics but none of them by me. Isn't this fun?

Sorry to leave you all on your own like this but long ago I realized that songwriters should make their statements and move on, maintaining a dignified silence. --Don McLean, Castine, Maine

I like that! Should apply to bloggers too eh?

I'm still alive, people!

I think I'm doing okay.

Glue.

In relation to my weight, my inertia is completely way over and out of proportion.

I find it so impossible to get started on something! I don't understand this. Is it because my imposed deadlines are earlier than my actual deadlines?

I reached home so early today, but it's been over 4 hours and I still haven't started on my work. The furthest I've got is opening all the relevant notes and books, and writing my name at the top of the page.

I ate chocolate and it still didn't help! Well I felt a little better but it didn't motivate me much.

I think I need to stay in this weekend and catch up with everything. It doesn't help that I missed the first two lectures of the week this morning, and I will miss the third tomorrow. Not voluntarily!

That's another thing!

How realistic is it for me to expect to get an internship, seriously. The more I think about it, the more I really want to do that something else. (Yes, there is a concrete 'something else'). If not for the old excuse of money, I would do it in a flash. Assuming I am accepted, that is.

Wah I really need to deal with this okay. I hate it when things are not settled but at the same time I know there's nothing else I can do! It's like when doing homework, if I don't know one question I will be stuck on it for sooooo long before moving on the next. How many hours of my life wasted.

Balance, balance. All about balance.

Bleep.

I finished my essay like 5 hours after my self-imposed deadline, which is already 1 day later than my previously self-imposed deadline, which now pushes all other deadlines yet later.

Maybe I need more realistic deadlines.. or not sleep, ever.

I think I cook some pretty good fried rice, how about that.

Return on investment

I woke up this morning and felt nauseous. (Nolah, not that kind of nausea.)

And didn't feel like getting up.

Because I felt like I was holding a time-bomb in my hands and it was just waiting to explode.

Before when I felt like this I solved it by putting all defences up and protecting myself from even the possibility of that happening.

Looking back I guess I was just running away.

This time, for the sake of my studies and all that's important to me, I need to deal with it properly.

Can't just brush it off and hope it will be okay! That never ever worked before and it never will.

Need to acknowledge it. And make sure I am okay taking on this risk.

Aiyah time will tell lah.

It's not worth this. It never is.

Learn your lesson already for crying out loud.

Riding the wave.

I normally refrain from deeply emotional posts because I'm not by nature someone who gets personal easily. Even my emotional posts are heavily veiled and possibly cryptic to the casual observer (I think).

Sometimes emotions spill over.

Coming home today--seeing my room uncluttered and bare--made me feel your absence so acutely. After 25 days of cooking, eating, shopping, and then more cooking and eating, this sudden emptiness is overwhelming. No joke about the cooking. I'm sure I used the kitchen more in these three weeks than in the whole term.

I know it's also because I am idle that I can dwell upon these things. If I, like you, had to dive immediately into the hurly-burly of the real world I would not be thinking these unwieldy thoughts. I wouldn't have time to mull and ponder and peruse and muse and be thoughtful or even write this darn post! I use the word idle but I know mundane reality is waiting for me, that I still have to get things figured out; internships, summer plans, part-time job shifts, the list goes on.

It's all right though. Just a few hours ago I thought I would be stifled by this feeling, that I wouldn't be able to deal with it quickly enough. But my adaptation skills are kicking in and readjusting to the change. And yes you're right, I still don't feel that I've fully achieved my goals. Although they are difficult to quantify, I'm getting there--and that is a truth.

I'm glad this winter break happened, and for all those meaningful conversations. I told you this already but somehow I feel I must also express my gratitude to that force out there.

You are going to see this at some point I suppose (who knows when). And while what you say is true, that a blog is a liability for a career, I need this outlet of expression.

Hm. I feel better just by writing this.

Void.

8 hosted dinners
7 bottles of wine (it was more--I cheated to make it fit)
6 crazy Malaysians (on one New Year's Eve)
5 days in Barcelona
4 days of flu
3 sets of 'plank'
2 gym visits
1 great winter break

That's about all I can muster for now!