Wake you up in the middle of the night

I've got the sniffles. Sat in the steam room and sauna for a little bit to clear the sinuses. (Can gas permeable contact lenses melt in the steam room by the way? I didn't wear them today but I'm curious.)

Week 3 has started, i.e. weekly problem sets and "little essays" have started. I'm having trouble already! Sigh. Doesn't really help that I'm doing four Econ modules which all involve a lot of reading and head-scratching. As usual, I'm not really as relaxed as I'd like to be -- I keep stressing myself out!

Happier things: I've got an upcoming holiday mid-term that hopefully will be lots of fun and very nice. I think I've been spoilt because I'm looking forward to being pampered.

Wooden seesaw

It gets harder and harder to regain equilibrium each time. Is it only downhill from here?

Respite

And I only felt relief that I didn't have to run anymore.

Serenity

Funny how I have evolved so much over the past couple of years. Though I have retained certain aspects of my personality -- some less than desirable perhaps. One thing that is still the same: when my mind is occupied with something, that something fills it in entirety. Sure I can compartmentalise -- but my entire being is permeated with that one niggling jiggling thing that is weighing on my mind. I am thinking about it constantly, it is running in the background, whilst I cook my noodles, do my homework, read my textbooks, check my emails. Sometimes when I pause for a moment I sink into it, into the thought or, for want of a better word, thing that occupies me. I am enveloped and encircled and entangled. It is not merely that a single person can affect me to such degree, it is because our worlds are so conjoined together now that we move in the same space. We all have our separate worlds, our own bubbles with meanings and significances relevant only to us. Until one day you meet someone and before you know it your worlds collide. Imagine two bubbles coming together. That brief moment before they merge into one large bubble, they are both incomplete bubbles, stuck together by a soapy wall.

Sunny sunny sun

My housemate and I sat in the park beside the London Eye today and read/studied. (Note to self: get some mat or old towel/tablecloth for next time). I love the sun and the riverbank -- I couldn't live far away from it. I've never lived very far from the river yet, excluding the 10 weeks in summer when I spent in a supremely central location but far from my beloved (albeit dirty) Thames. At least this time I am in a central location but near the waters.

I told myself (and some people know this) not to pick on previous grievances. Only fresh things, right? Well there's been several fresh things. Fresh and flowing and raw. Things that served to dig up the old wounds of the past, and make me remember the times when I set myself up for plunging disappointment. Times that I want to forget and move past. I stumbled upon yet another reminder today, something else to assert what I already know -- that trawling Facebook is never a good idea. Had I read this wall post back in those dark days maybe I would have seen the signs of what was to come. That I was in fact insignificant, a speck not worth mentioning, I did not exist. That everything I felt, believed, dreamed was false and misled. The turning point that drove me to what I am today.

Since then there has been a great shift in circumstances. Am I convinced that those days are long gone? Not entirely. Am I sure that I will never feel like that again? Absolutely not. It's a bumpy ride, and we've barely begun. I keep trying to move beyond the weight of the past, but it is a chain holding me down.

Shut

Losing weight, losing hair and losing my sanity.

Insert appropriate title here

I'm back in London. No internet at home, which if you saw me on Twitter or Facebook you'd already know. So using mobile broadband with the cute little USB modem stick at the moment -- which is pretty slow.

It's not even been a week since my post on the 25th of September and already those feelings are recurring. Remind me again how I'm supposed to do this? Because it's getting dark fast.

School hasn't started but again I'm remembering all those times when I had not enough sleep, was uber-cranky, had to wake up early, but yet was so unsatisfied and couldn't sleep because of all those unresolved issues -- more like unresolvable issue. And how all those times drove me to the edge of reason.